Cassandra

noapprehension @ 2009-12-29T16:36:00

2009-12-29T21:36:38Z

I slept this day away. It feels so awesome.
I had a weird dream, and im pretty pissed that the moment i woke up, the entire thing escaped me. Maybe thats why i love sleeping so much...i love to dream.
I think i heard somewhere that we always always dream when we are asleep, but sometimes, and it happens often, we dont recall dreaming anything at all. i wonder why that is?
and, if its true, maybe ive dreamt about miranda more than ive thought, and just dont know it.

I will never forget the dream i had the day after thanksgiving.

I woke up for only a moment to see the clock and when i fell back to sleep, i guess didnt realize it.
the dream started out with the exact view of my ceiling in my room, as if i was laying there really staring at it with my eyes open.
a triangle appeared, and i turned my head to the right a bit, and i saw my window and wardrobe and yet again, another triangle.

The triangles became the main focus for a second.
they were bright, and kinda blinding.
and i just remember wondering
"hmm thats weird...what the hell is up with the damn triangles?"

next thing i know, miranda is next to me.
and she is waking me up.
when i see her, i sit up instantly
and im saying and repeating and crying

Miranda, i miss you so much, i missed you so much on thanksgiving

I remember her hair, thick and wavy as it always was
and the feeling of her hands on my face, the same way she used to
when she was comforting me, it felt so real

and she was saying
i know i know
i miss you too
im sorry i couldnt be there
im sorry i couldnt be there
its going to be okay
everything is going to be okay.

it was the most vivid dream i have ever had in my life.
i felt it in my body.
i felt it in my chest and i felt her hands on my face.

i dont know, if heaven is real. and i dont know if god is real. because right now, there are tons of things i just dont know.

But, Part of me wants to believe that when i feel miranda, its real, and its not just my mind convincing myself that it is.
But i do believe in spirits. It is a fact that energy can not me created or destroyed, and we are nothing but energy. Our souls are energy. Where do they go when they leave a body?
and if its not heaven, then where is it?
Maybe everything is just all in our heads?

The thought that when we die, we are just gone, forever, with no souls, no afterlife, nothing...is terrifing. we all just want to believe there is a way we will see the ones we have loved and lost again someday. and i think that the part that scars me about dying most.
I wont be reunited with anyone i have ever lost....not just me. you wont either. none of us will. and that would be the saddest part of it all.

but there is another part of me thinks we people need something to have "faith" in. to have a purpose. to make SOMEONE proud.
someone to turn to, when everything turns to shit, and someone to hope to, to clean it all up, as long as we remain "faithful"

well let me tell you something. My life, is YES a very beautiful one.
and i have learned to embrace, everything that happens in my life
good and bad, because i still grow in someway from every single thing that happens to me.
I still learn, and accept and see meaning in everything i do because of it.
but, ive had tons of shitty things been happening to be since i was a baby.

and when i got old enough to have the idea of god shoved upon me, i did start praying.
and when things went wrong, i always asked for him to fix things.
why was this shit happening to me?
please, can things just go back to the way they were?
and never, did i get an "answer"

people say, that you can FEEL god, or jesus or whatever.
if you just open yourself...
i have never, not once felt that.
I have tried. But i havent.

And im not sure if im doing it wrong or if im simply not feeling it because it just isnt there.
I am scared to put all of my faith into something that has never proved its existance.
Then i would feel like my life was a waste.

I enjoy, making mistakes (as much as they suck)
and i enjoy learning from them ( and sometimes not learning from them)
i like to experience things and have good loud, drunk company.
i enjoy breaking the rules.
but, dont we all?

life is to short. i think the real point here is to just live exactly the way you want to live.you can still consider other peoples feelings and opinions to a point, but you should never let anything hold you back.

Im sick of letting things hold me back. Im sick of keeping my mouth shut for someone elses sake. I am sick of regretting never "trying."

I want to drift in the wind with the dandelion seeds.
take me somewhere, away from the chaos in this place
someday, maybe, i can come back, when things are
crystal clear
for now
lets just runaway
just you and me
my dear

empty christmas.

2009-12-26T07:12:53Z

heres another one for you randa bean: merry christmas, i miss you.

Theres a blue eyed angel
who smiles in my dreams
but, only when im lonliest
when my heart is bursting at the seams
the holidays have come and gone now
& winter is passing through
pretty soon ill start my new life
but angel, never will i forget about you

oh, dear, blue eyed angel can you hear me?
now, im bursting at the seams
these days are so lonely without you
I cant take the silence of your room
its times like this when i needed you
and now that youre gone, i still do.
this heaviness in my chest is moody
but when it comes, it comes strong
and now, i feel the weight of me missing you.

today was christmas. i slept in till almost eleven. ive never slept that late on christmas before. i think the only reason i even got out of bed was because that commercial with sarah mclaughlins song "in the arm of the angels" was on in the living room, and it was so loud that it woke me up. that was one of the songs we played at mirandas funeral.
and guess what?
that fucking commercial came on today more times that i can count.
sitting on the floor and opening presents alone for the first time really fucking sucked.
and honestly, i really have no idea how i didnt cry.
thats all i wanted to do.

i am happy that tasia was able to come over today though, that kept me sane. i havent spent a christmas with her in awhile. im actually suprised they brought her over.

I took TWO naps today. One before Tasia showed up, and one after we got home from dinner during the new night of the museum. I dont think i watched more than 5 minutes of that movie to be honest.

and here i am, the only one awake again, as always.
i really miss miranda. today just didnt feel like christmas without her.
and it rained today.
perfect, ironic weather to really lighten the mood eh?

my beloved livejournal, i am sorry i have neglected you...

2009-12-24T03:24:23Z

But things have been a bit nuts lately so ive been keeping a written journal. I carry that thing around like its a bible, hahaha.
Not that i worship it or anything, its just, im obsessed with getting this damn music thing started. All i want to do is write songs.

speaking of writing songs, this is one i wrote about miranda today. its supposed to be from her point of view.

When the blue bonnets bloom in my heaven
i wish you were here to admire
so, when i get lonely
i look below the clouds for your face
But wait, it pains me to see you
so stressed and unrested
i know that you miss me
thats why i smile in your dreams
But, i need your smile too
to keep me sane up here without you
yeah, this is such a beautiful place
and one day a long time from now
i will share it with you
and we can lay in the meadow
here in OUR heaven
Oh, when the blue bonnets bloom

Technically, right now, its christmas eve. Its christmas eve already. Not only is christmas one lousy day away, but the 27th will make it 5 months since randa has been gone.
And here i am, my first christmas in my life without her and i feel myself tearing at the seems as i type. i feel this pain all the way to the tips of my fingers and toes and my heart cant stand the heaviness of my chest for much longer.

Gail brought over a gift for aunt rita to open today. It was a christmas ornament that read

"I still hear the songs
i still see the lights
i still feel your love on cold wintery nights
i still share your hopes and all of your cares
ill even remind you to please say your prayers
i just want to tell you, you still make me proud
you stand head and shoulders above all the crowd
keep trying each moment to stay in his grace
i came here before you to help set your place
you dont have to be perfect all the time
he forgives you if you slip, if you continue the climb

to my family and friends
please be thankful today
im still close behind you
in a new special way

Merry Christmas from heaven;
I love you all dearly
but dont shed a tear
im spending christmas with jesus this year"

i cried instantly. not so much about all the "follow jesus lingo" but its just that id been trying to push the reality of this empty christmas nightmare out of my head but thats what made me realize how fucking stupidly, unfairly real all this fucking bullshit is.
This town has you all around, sometimes its overwhelming when i hear someone i dont know whisper your name.
Sometimes people ask if the picture of you on the wall at work is me.
I always tell them no, but i never look them in the eyes.
i dont know why, i guess i just feel that if i did, they would see right through me.
and they could see ever bit of pain ive been trying to push away.
and i think that,maybe,that kinda scares the shit out of me.

We color coordinated the tree like we always do this year, but we got some silver glitter picture frames that we filled with pictures of miranda, me and aunt rita, along with a bunch of ornaments that say JOY. totally dedicated to miranda. its beautiful.

So, i have decided to move up to north carolina with my dad. At this point, i think im going to find a cosmotolgy school there, get my liscense which will be about 10 months, and then come back to jacksonville after.
It will be the perfect oppurtunity for me to get to spend some quality time with my dad since hes moving into his own place in early january.
The only thing that i know is going to kill me is leaving tasia and aunt rita.
of course, im going to miss a few VERY SPECIFIC people but

i have realized that life is to short to just sit around and wait for things to come to you. nothing has ever worked out in my favor that way. and im so sick of waiting around.
Since miranda passed away at such an early age, it made me see that i dont want to waste anymore time. I just want to go where ever life takes me, and i cant let anything hold me back. No matter how much love in my heart i have for them or for anything for that matter. I know the ones that are supposed to be in my life, will be here when i get back.

I wish that i had someone to run away with me. someone to fall in love with me, and run the fuck away with me. no looking back. just us. i think thats the excitement im looking for in my life. im sick of sitting around in the same place, doing the same thing over and over and over. I just need something new and fresh. Maybe some peace and quiet, will give me plenty of time to myself to think, straighten out my own head, and of course practice guitar CONSTANTLY.

i never really thought of some kind of fairy tale for myself but the older i get the more i feel the need for someone to sweep me off my feet. oh, let me tell you, i have been SWEPT. and i hate it. but i love it. and i dont know what to do anymore because of course, as always, i am the other girl.
WHY IS THAT!?
why do i always end up second place.
why do i always allow it to happen should be the real question.
I dont know, i guess i let my heart get the best of me.
WAY TO FRIGGIN GO DUDE.

thanks ma.

2009-10-13T06:09:55Z

Buonanotte sogni d'oro a dormire bene il mio amico domani it rivedremo.
Good night sweet dreams sleep well my friend tomorrow we shall meet again.

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them..., disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that's never been written? While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do." - Jack Kerouac

<33

noapprehension @ 2009-09-30T00:20:00

2009-09-30T04:52:14Z

I dont know whats happening.
I am alone right now, with myself, and all my thoughts and for some reason they have all been eating at me all day.
all day.
I just wish, if its the only good thing i could do in my whole life, that i could take her place.
Its not fucking fair. Its so un graspable for me.
Ive done so many stupid things in my life, ive made so many bad decisions, and miranda...
she had so much going for her.
I just feel like its pathetic that i had to loose her to realize my life was going down the drain.
Why did it take her to leave me, for me to see i need alot of work.
and i have alot of things to change?

The sane thing to do is to keep myself together and never let anyone see me break, but sometimes i really dont feel sane. I think about death more than i ever have in my entire life. I dont understand anything about it. I wish i did.
Sometimes, i just wish i could loose it. But im scared of that too.
Im just so scared of everything now.

Im scared to get to close to anyone, im scared to get to close to myself for gods sakes. Im scared of loosing my mind, and making a fool of myself. Im scared Ill never amount to anything.
I'll never amount to what she could have been.

When im in this house, i feel so lonely. Because i know, any news, anything funny, or stupid, or anything that makes me happy or sad, i can never run to her room ever again and be like MIRANDA, GUESS WHAT!?

I keep flashing back to the day i went to the funeral home to tell her goodbye.

I walk in to the chapel and saw her laying on a table, covered from head to toe, except her arms.
And, i immediately knew it was her. Its strange how you notice little features about a person.
I knew it was her by her arm and her hands. I knew her hands, and i knew her arms.
I always thought she was so strong, and she just seemed so fragile to me at that point.

I grabbed her hand, and i squeezed it and when she didnt squeeze back i wanted to fucking scream so loud that all my senses would just disappear and i couldnt feel anything anymore.
Ive never felt so much all at once, and it blew me away in the worst way anyone could ever imagine.

All day ive been thinking about growing up as kids together and all the stupid shit we used to do and laugh about, and cry about and fight about and i just wish i could go back in time.
I never realized how each moment with every person you ever meet can become so precious.

I miss her voice and her laugh and her smile more than anything. It was so contagious.
I already hate every single holiday because nothing is ever going to be the same without her around.
I dont even want to celebrate anything anymore.

When im driving in my car, going wherever im going, and i am alone.. i look over to my empty passenger seat, and i think about all the times we were in that car together and i miss sitting next to her.
I miss hearing her yell obscenities out the window at people we dont know and i miss telling her to stop yelling obscenities at the people we dont know.

I used to have to share everything with her. This computer, our bathroom, our clothes..
and now, i have it all to myself.

and it just doesnt feel right. I dont want anything to myself.

When i took a shower today, i just sat down and let the water run over me, and for the first time of the day i had nowhere to hide from myself, and i just cried.
And i talked to her for the first time in awhile, and i told her not to be scared, and that everything was okay.

Aunt Rita's friend is a wiccan. Since the accident, she has been trying to communicate with miranda and has gotton no response. Well for the first time, she thinks she kinda got to talk to her. And what she told aunt rita is that

She was feeling very scared, and sad that it had to end this way, and that she was really sorry. and that, shes okay now.

I dont want her to be scared. I dont want her to be alone.

God, i just dont know. I dont know anything.
I hope she knows i love her more than anything.
And i hope shes listening.

summer 2009.

2009-09-26T14:09:02Z

this is the summer all my friends, or most of them, turn 19.
this is the summer of great gain, and great loss.
this is the summer i never want to remember, but i know i always will.

noapprehension @ 2009-09-26T03:20:00

2009-09-26T07:31:13Z

RIGHT NOW, it is 3:20 am.
exactly 10 minutes away from EXACTLY 2 months, since mirandas been gone.
TWO months.

Im speechless really. I still cant grasp it all. Where is the time going? I mean, time is so precious now, and at the same time so irrelevant.
I dont know what to do. I dont know what to think. I just dont know.

I cant believe its been 2 months. two fucking months. This is blowing my mind. Im sure it will for a long time.

its 3:25 am now, 5 minutes away...
i should get some sleep.

I will here in a minute i guess.
Tasia has a friend over, so im sleeping in mirandas bed tonight.
I havent slept in her bed, in weeks?
I guess its appropriate tonight.. i hope she doesnt mind.

2 minutes..
fuck. god damn, i miss you. i wish i could sell my soul to bring you home.

3:30 am.
Rest in peace miranda joy zant.
I hope i feel you tonight.
You have no idea how much i miss you.
well, maybe you do.
Maybe you dont.

I just dont know. im kinda at a loss for words.
I love you.
come home?

the boy that blocked his own shot.

2009-09-25T06:35:00Z

Ive been listening to "the boy who blocked his own shot" on repeat since i first heard it. all day.
Im not sure why. I just feel it in my whole body.

I was driving, i cant even remember where i was going anymore.
and this song was pounding in my ears, and the street lights were nothing but blurs, and nothing specific happened, but i felt really alive at the moment.
There has got to be a reason, right?

I felt miranda. not next to be, but in me. I felt her, coming through? I dont know, its hard to explain. I think i just sound crazy.

So, anyways, i was thinking...
Ive been battling with the idea of god. I dont bash the idea that he is real, but at the same time, i dont doubt if its all a myth.

Either way, if its real or not, i think maybe god is whatever people make him out to be. When so much people have faith in one thing,i think it really can do powerful things. Maybe god is really just the esence of every persons hopes and prayers, and it gives people a reason to be good people, and to have faith when everything turns to shit.

hmm, who knows. i dont know what i know anymore.

draft?

2009-09-24T04:27:48Z

You are the wind in my hair.
You are the sun on my face.
My shadow on the ground.
Every thought in my brain

You are the smirk that im hiding when im thinking of your face.
You are every good decision im trying to make.

You are the color in my eyes.
You are every single tear streaming down my face.

I miss you Miranda Joy, i miss you. I wish you were here Miranda Joy.

You're all my change of plans.
You're ever single memory racing through my brain.
You are my heart that keeps my blood flowing.
You are the ground beneath my feet.
You are the oxygen I breathe.

Youre the gritting of my teeth when i feel like i cant take this.
Youre the invisible hand on my shoulder telling me, letting me know, that i can.
I can take this. I can make this.

You were the crushing of my chest when i first heard the news.

You were everything to me.
You were everything.
You ARE everything.
Still, everything to me.
You're everything to me.

I miss you Miranda Joy, i miss you. I wish you were here Miranda Joy.

You're every single line, in this notebook that im writing.
You're the biggest scar on my heart, so far.
You're every scream, im trying to hold back.
You're the locking of my knees when i feel i could collapse.
You are my speechless state, when it hits me again.

I miss you Miranda Joy, i miss you. I wish you were here, Miranda Joy.

You're all our favorite songs
repeating, repeating, repeating in my ears.
You are all my rediscovered inspiration.

You were the turning of my guts, when sam blew out your birthday candles this year.
You are my realization, that nothing is forever.
You are the reason, im being so strong.

I miss you Miranda Joy, i miss you. I wish you were here, Miranda Joy.

random. journal/ song guide.

2009-09-22T17:19:23Z

"Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole, just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound. But while you debate half-empty or half-full, it slowly rises. Your love is gonna drown."

So miranda, i finally had a dream about you (well not ABOUT you, but you were in it) the other night. You were there, and i was happy to SEE you, but i was confused. Because i knew you werent alive. We didnt talk, i dont know why. I just remember looking at you. So i woke up feeling like shit becase i just wanted to hear your voice.

So things are kind of bittersweet for me lately. Even with all the pain im in because youre gone, im tying my best to keep myself together. I took my GED test, im just waiting for results. That means, i can get a new job here shortly, thankgod! Sorry Cici's i love you, but it is time to MOVE ON! jonathan is coming back from iraq in about 2 weeks, and we should be getting a place soon! Oh, i think i met someone who is different than all the other fuckers out there, go me, i still got my fingaa' crossed.

So i was thinking, about the last time we talked, and we were exchanging our shenanigan stories, and i just realized how much im going to miss telling you about my life. And how ill never get to introduce to you any of my boyfriends ever again, and i wont ever get to listen to you opinion about them either. I wont be able to gossip to you about stupid people anymore, and i dont get to listen to YOU gossip about stupid people any more either.

I keep hearing all these songs that talk about something along the lines of, "I am still here with you" and im not sure, if im only noticing because i want it to be you, or if it really is you telling me youre watching over me. I hope its you. Because that gives me hope, for so much.

I know its kind of fucked up and weird to say, but ive been thinking about my own death alot lately. Not in a suicidal way, but, everyday, at some point, the thought passes through my mind. What if i were to die, right now? Would i be happy with my life? Would i have given anyone, my friends or family something to be proud of me for?
Ive even imagined my own funeral. and what the world would be like when im gone?
Cause, things are so different now that youre gone. So much, and yet nothing at all makes sense.
Im not even sure, if that last sentance makes sense. I just dont know much anymore.
But im trying. Im trying to get by. The house is so empty, and i hate waking up listening to your mother cry. I just wish i could take all of her pain away. I would sell my soul to the devil if it would bring you back home.

I dont know if youre here. I dont know if youre listening, and i dont know if you can read this. But if you are, i miss you. And im so sorry for all of our differences in the past. None of that is relevant anymore, i hope you know that. You are my angel. You are everyones angel. Please, keep us safe and help us make better decisions with our life. Alot has sunk in to my skull since you left, and for that i thankyou. I still cant believe youre really gone, sometimes, it still blows me away. I would love to just hold your hand, one more time, and just appreciate the moment.
Ive learned not to take anyone for granted ever again. When i moved out, i was being stupid, and now i regret it because thats months that i missed out on with you. We could have done so much in so little time. Ive always loved you more than anything, i know we fought sometimes, but secretly, you were my rock. And to be honest, you still are.
You ground me. Im getting my life together, because i dont know when i will die. It could be today, it could be tomorrow.
Im not scared to die. Not anymore. I mean, i dont WANT to die, but when it happens, i know ill get to be with you again.

One thing im confused about is ive heard that when people get to heaven they are alone, and they dont know anyone. I hope thats not true. Because i dont want you to be alone. And, when i die, i dont want to be alone. I want to be with you. I know its a long time from now, but i really cant wait to see you again.

noapprehension @ 2009-09-16T03:13:00

2009-09-16T07:28:34Z

Every song on the radio reminds me of all the times we used to sing
at the top of our lungs
with the windows down
and the wind in our hair.
If I close my eyes, i can still see you screaming at the kids at the bus stop
every day after school
and right now your laugh is echoing in my brain.

I would kill just to feel the warmth of your hand one more time.
just one more time.
Im just so sick of faking a smile, cause every minute of everyday
youre all i can think about

Im having a hard time understanding, why everything had to turn out this way
and dealing with myself gets harder everyday.
And its killing me because this isnt just a bad dream
i can wake up from

every day it hits my hard in the chest and my heart slows down a bit.
but it has to keep beating.
cause i know youre trying to tell me
to keep breathing

remember to breathe.
remember to breathe.
remember to breathe.

sometimes i just wish, i could forget how.

for you, miranda.

2009-09-16T07:01:05Z

There's a kite caught in a tree not far from here.
It reminds me of you and me and our desperate love.
Cause I can't fly when you smother me, but I'll just fall to the ground without you, and our desperate love.

You were the saddest song, that I could sing.
You were a broken bridge dropping a thousand feet.
You're my reason to try be everything.
You were a starving child, on a TV screen.
You were the ship beneath a storm mounting.
You're the broken hands on a pianist.
You're lost
And there's a girl made of glass who stays out the rain cause she'll slip and she'll fall and she'll break and then he'll be gone.
But there's a girl made of concrete who holds her hand.
She knows just want he wants, what she needs so she won't go smash under her.

You're the only place, I really belong.
You're the line I scream in my favourite song.
You're a mistake I made, that I won't admit was one.
You're a boiling day led out in the sun.
When we're all happy, and we love everyone.
You bring me to think of what I'll become cause I'm scared.
You just seem to know me so well.
And I cant remember anything before, you came around.

And you just seem to know me so well.
You were beautiful when you fell asleep, then you'd sit up awake and you'd talk to me.
Tell me everything's going to be okay and we'll heal.
You were a screaming mess on a hospital bed.
You were a violent night thats ended in death.
You were a 100 feet of emptiness below.

You're an accident in a roadside stare.
You're a statue in a broken monument.
You're a microphone picking up everything that I say.
You're a little girl, trapped in an old deep well.
You're a time long ago, when I could still really feel like I was still alive when I could feel your hands on my skin.
You're the cruelest thoughts, that I could never tell.
You're the waving hands of my hardest farewell.
You're a daydream I won't ever wake from.
Everything I hate, I love, I need.

thankyou to the wonderful guy who wrote this song.

Hannahs Lullaby.

2009-09-16T06:39:37Z

Hannah, I hope you have sweet dreams.
Just close your big blue eyes, and let your purple hair (hahaha!) flow onto your pillow.
your purple hair can flow..

Imagine the sky so big and blue
its waiting for you
waiting for you
so sleep tight
and imagine the river so wide
its flowing for you
flowing for you
so sleep tight

Ill still be here when you come back from the meadow of your dreams.
Ill always be here.
Ill always be here.
Ill always be here
for you.

Or some-ting like dat.
all i know is you passed the fuck out.

;D

September 4, 2009. Journal entry. Just a thought.

2009-09-12T16:33:01Z

I want to go to school as long as i can, so i can educate myself as much as possible, so when i have children, i can teach them to be smart as well.
So when THERY have children, their children will be smart too, and i would have indirectly creating generations of smart, level headed people.
With all the bullshit in the world, and all the hate and unkind people, atleasdt i know my kids are making a difference somehow.
Adoption would never be an option for me, i feel like if You want something done right you have to do it YOURSELF.
I cant count on someone else to raise my offspring the way i think they should be raised.
I want to be sure that my children are not taught to hate people because of color or any other reason for that matter.
I want to watch my children grow through me.
And i hope i can keep them safe.
I hope i will be a good mother oneday.

august 27th, 2009. journal/song guide entry.

2009-09-12T16:26:08Z

Im having trouble finding the words to say.
All this making up for lost time has made the time itself, irrelevant, and the weeks continue to pass
faster than i ever believed was possible.
I still dont know where im going with my life.
Been feeling so empty and worthless without you.
Empty, cause i miss you.
Worthless, cause you did more in your 16 years than i did in my 19.
I wish i would have made you proud when you were still alive.
Im no longer aware of the dates, is today the 28th?
Oh yeah, it was a month since you floated away, yesterday.

The feeling swells up in my throat, and i have to turn away from the people i know.
They cant see me like this.
I wish it wasnt like this.

Trying to be strong has been a lifelong chore, how much more do you think i can take?
Seems like im living to die, i havent done anything worth praising.
No good.

Did you know i thought the world of you?
Why couldnt i ever say?

I want to sail away into the ocean, all alone.
With nothing but me an the waves.
Maybe i could feel you in the wind.
If i could fly away into the sky, could i make it as far as you?
Well, i could always try.

Your name has been echoing in my brain from the beginning of all this mess.
Now, my every decision it effects.

Miranda joy zant, i miss you.

Meet me in the rain.

2009-09-12T16:16:17Z

Dated: August 15, 2009

Today i went out into the rain
To meet you
To kiss you

Ive never been so drenched with such passion.
Its always been such a dream of mine.
And who would have though it would have been you, the whole time.

Take me away with you
in this ocean falling from the sky
I know youre not like the other fucking guys

And this is what ive been trying to tell you.
Ive fallen head over heals in love with you.

So just meet me in the rain.
Come drench your fears away, with me.

I just wanted to tell you this tonight.
And if you let me, I'll take you to the sky.

Let your mouth meeet mine
Taste the truth ive hidden from you
for this only reason
Believe me, Im scared too.

Hey hannah, look i found the lyrics to the song you thought you lost! Go me. I guess i stole them i found them in my notebook.

Oh yeah, and just for the record, i will never forget the moment this song came to life.
It fucking blew me away.

Hey, you. Goodbye.

2009-09-08T06:17:32Z

I, We decided, to never speak to you again.
Never.
I have deleted your number, there is no reason for either of us to ever give you the privalege to speak to us again.
Because even if you did HAPPEN to learn from all the stupid shit you pulled, and all the shit you fucked up. The point is, me finally leaving you was the best thing to ever happen to me.
Even if you are a good person, neither of us can begin to know that all the good memories of you were just a show. you were such a fucking charmer.
Im sorry. I dont miss you. She doesnt miss you.
And guess, what? She won just like she said she would, in the end.
Have a nice life.
I know i will.

noapprehension @ 2009-09-05T01:18:00

2009-09-05T05:31:02Z

I feel like im going crazy
talking to you when
I cant see your face.
and i cant hear your voice.

but, in some strange way you showed me tonight
to embrace this ocean of tears
cause all i have now is whoever i choose to be.
yeah, all i have now, is whoever i choose to be.
and, I'll admit, I dont know who to be.

They say time heals all wounds.
But the clocks havent done much for the gaping hole in my heart.
they've just been passing the time, which turn into days, then weeks.
which make this gaping hole expand, expand, expand.

I feel like if i stare long enough
deep enough
your face would appear, out of the thin air
and your eyes so blue would stare back into my soul
and you could tell me the truth.
could you tell me the truth?

Was this fate? Was it all really supposed to end this way?
Oh angel, could you tell me the truth?
was this fate?

All i can say is, your cd's are gonna be on repeat untill i know every word by heart.
And, remember when you said you needed me?
well the truth is, im the one who needs you.
Yeah, All i can say is, your cd's are gonna be on repeat untill i know every word by heart.
And, remember when you said you needed me?
well the truth is, im the one who needs you.
Im the one who needs you.

August 29th, 2009

2009-09-05T05:16:22Z

So, there is this part of me that wants to be with someone.
And then there is another part that grows and diminishes whenever the hell it wants that says, Im not ready. Atleast not anymore.

I dont expect to find the right person at this point in my life.
Not right now anyways. And, just when i think the battle is over, my mind changes again.
Because, i want to be loved.
I know im loved by my family and friends.
But im talking, LOVE. The real thing.
There really isnt a greater feeling that MUTUALITY (is that a word?)

I want to be touched. I want to feel passion. Mutal passion.
REAL passion. Not, one night stand, kind of, half ass, drunk passion.

I dont think that kind of passion can come to me. Well, not easily.
Unless, i really KNOW the person.

And, thats where this all goes sour.
People dont seem to take time to get to know eachother.

I just want to MEET someone who gets along with me, someone who is MUTALLY attracted to me and who i can REALLY get to know.
Getting to know takes time. LOTS of time.
There are only few people, and i mean FEW people who i feel like i REALLY know, inside and out.
And even then, I know EVERYONE HAS SECRETS.

I think real passion come from the heart. Not our bodies.
Im ready to start using my heart.

But, how can i give it away if its already broken?
Here, i am with another dilema.

As much as i want to be wanted, i dont think its something my life is ready for just yet.

Cause i feel so fragile. Like my bones could shatter if i even walk to hard.
My heart simply keeps beating because it has to.
Right now im just existing. Nothing special.
Im trying to do more with my life than just, exist.
But everything is wearing me out.
I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally drained at the end of the day.
I wake up with awful headaches in the middle of the afternoon,
when the sun is in the middle of the sky and burning through the window and baking me under miranda's blankets.
Then, i realize, once again, i had another blind sleep. No dreams, just nothing.

Not your face, like i wished...
just a fucking headache, two hours before work and still NO YOU.

noapprehension @ 2009-09-05T00:56:00

2009-09-05T05:00:03Z

Everyone around me is dreaming, while im sitting here thinking of your face.
And that last day. The day before you flew away.

Blue eyes, i miss you. Are you listening? I need you.

Everyone is laughing at something funny you used to say.
Well, im laughing too but im really thinking of your name.

Its echoing in my brain. You're running in my veins.
We are blood, after all.

You're a part of me, and you'll always be.

not finished? havent decided.

the end.

2009-09-05T04:55:29Z

Hello, hello, hello world.
Im sorry Ive been hiding.
But things you've been throwing at me lately, havent been so kind.

My sparatic dreans have been better than my reality.
So, ive been sleeping my days away.
Hoping to see her face.

I woke up with a headache again. Why wont this pain just fucking end?
But, here's a secret. Its not the headache im complaining about.
My hearts been the real ache.

Its been another long night at work, staring at her picture on the wall.
And im trying my best not to break down in tears..

Cause the last time i held your hand, you were cold, but i didnt care.
And, when i squeezed your hand you didnt squeeze back and thats where, i end.
Thats where i wanted to end.
Thats when i wanted to end.

noapprehension @ 2009-09-05T00:22:00

2009-09-05T04:43:13Z

There is a bad taste in my mouth
I cant seem to figure out
Its sharp on the tounge with a side of bitter hate.

Some of me wants to hate you for leaving me alone.
To rot, no, to wear down to bones. just skin and bones.
I'm just skin and bones now, without you.

Who could blame a gorgeous face for taking their own path?
If i could, I'd sell my soul to some unknown force to have you back.

But what would you say?
If they just appeared for your pleasure..
Would they be happy?

Would it make things better?
I will never know, and untill then
I'll just let you go.

Thanks hannah.

decisions, decisions.

2009-08-29T06:50:56Z

one month.

2009-08-27T05:39:18Z

If I could could sprout wings, that would take me to you...
I wouldnt have to blink once, before i could see your radiant face again.

this last month has transformed into a lifetime.
its been terribly simple to to get lost in these passing days.

and the days turn to weeks.
and the weeks just dont stop coming.
and here we are, so early in this lifelong battle.
and its only been a month.

One month without the sound your contagious laugh,
echoing through the halls of this house.
One month since I've felt alive.
One month, and I still cant grasp
the million obscured thoughts
racing through my mind.

But Now, you're farther than oceans away from me,
and if it was possible to cross, you know id be the first.
you know id be the first.

These memories are eating at me and its been getting harder to breathe.
This pain has succeded in swallowing my whole body alive.
Every morning, the tsunami waves of reality come crashing
down on top of me.

Im trying so hard not to let you go. I never want to let go.
Im not sure its possible.

But, If i could sprout wings, half as pretty as yours must be....
I would fly to you. Where ever you are. I just want to be where you are.

draft.

2009-08-27T04:35:00Z

Its unbelievable how you have the power to take my breath away,
with nothing but a smile, and all i can hear is the buckling of my knees.

Beneath my feet, my already crumbling foundation breaks apart, and i fall away.
I wish it was you i was falling into.

Its unbelievable how you have the power to radiate your body heat straight to my bones,
with nothing but a breif touch, and all i can hear is the sound of my wild, beating heart.

Beneath my feet, my surface breaks apart and i fall away.
I wish it was you I was falling into.

Its so un fucking believable how i have the power to contain myself everytime i see you kiss another girls lips,
with nothing but a simple "turn around and walk away..."
and all i can hear is the surface beneath my feet break apart once again, and AWAY, AWAY I FALL.

Oh god, i wish it was you. I wish it was you. I wish it was you, i was falling into.